To me, it's always a good idea to carry two sacks of something when you

walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, 

"Sorry, got these sacks."

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all

go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It

wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you

walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you

can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard them talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I knew what I had to do. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

I think the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was not eating all of that guy's pie instead of just half of it, because he was in the restroom for at least another two or three minutes.

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.